It was sunny the other day. Bright, yellow, beautiful sunshine, as if the world was dripping in honey and it was spilling onto the pavement, and across the shops, and down the sides of empty restaurants.
(more…)Author: Kazandra Pangilinan
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The Comfort of January
It’s been one month since Christmas. I try not to measure time by ‘how much has passed since’ anymore, but sometimes I still catch myself doing it. Like I’ll be walking down the International aisle at Lidl, thinking to myself, ‘wow, it’s been three years since I was in Asia.’ Or sitting at my desk, thinking ‘it’s been six months since my birthday’. Or lying in bed, thinking about the fact that three weeks ago, I was in my own room and now I’m here.
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Lessons from The Sky
The sky has taught me so much. Not in a pushy sort of way, forcing its knowledge upon me with an air of superiority. But more like the way a wise friend might speak to you, gently imparting wisdom without you even realizing until afterwards.
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Memories, Collected
Someone in the apartment next to mine was playing Danny Boy on the guitar last night. That’s what I fell asleep listening to.
Then today, when I was working away at my desk, I heard someone practicing their scales on the piano.
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Flower and Flour
I bought myself tulips the other day. Lavender ones – pale and pretty. The kind that would make me smile if I saw them neatly sitting on a windowsill. The kind that would inspire thoughts of one day, that’ll be me if I saw a girl walking down the street, carrying them in her arms.
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Calm
My word of the year is calm.
Calm like flowing streams and gentle skies. Calm like the field I saw from a bus window that one time in the English countryside. The one that stretched on and on with no end in sight. Even the horses were standing still.
Calm like a stretch of snow that hasn’t been stepped on yet. Like the sound of one of Mozart’s sonatas being played by unknown fingers, drifting from an open window at dusk.
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Ordinary Things
I’ve done a lot of things lately. I completed a 1000 piece puzzle all by myself for the first time in my life, and I don’t think many people can say that. I also watched all of Schitt’s Creek in way too short an amount of time, googled how to fry an egg, and finished reading two books. I read every morning while I drink coffee and eat breakfast. Sometimes I read during lunch too.
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Other People
I went for an hour long walk today, bundled up in my scarf and gloves. I made mental notes of the shops I’ll need to visit and then made my way to the Water of Leith Walkway where the air was fresh, the ground was muddy, and the wind blew my hair in every direction. I saw a grey squirrel, perfectly perched in a tree. I saw families, and couples, and friends, and people on bikes.
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I’m sorry; You Didn’t Deserve That
I’ve been thinking a lot and I owe you an apology. When I think about how I made you feel, I shake my head in disbelief, feeling sick to my stomach that I treated you so poorly and with such a lack of respect and compassion.
I’m sorry that I made you question your worth and doubt that you were deserving of pleasure and joy, kindness and rest. I am sorry that I pushed you so hard and made you feel like you could enjoy yourself only when you reached the ridiculously high standards you set.
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Things I Learned Growing Up 